I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
