We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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