fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
