do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
