hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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