Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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