3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
