my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
