I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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