end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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