I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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