Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
