can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
