I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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