I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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