Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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