I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
