Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
