I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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