Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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