Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
