Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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