Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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