I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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