Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
