The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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