Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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