OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
