The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
