i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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