I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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