While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
