At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
