Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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