there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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