im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
