Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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