i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
