Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
