Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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