The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
