I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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