I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
