the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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