sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize