I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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