Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
