Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He? As in you personified your dick?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
