why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
