Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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