Im at strip club and am horny
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
