I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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