So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
