i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
