I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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