News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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