I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
