meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
