Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
